Chapter 2 – Gunblaze

Last time on BTL: We saw what Burnsy, otherwise known as “Fyl” the newest prophet, was up to. Muh and Burnsy met up at “Fyl’s” and discussed such fineries as the quality of booze, how powerful Burnsy really was in Whitehaven and how vampires were carrying a Christian cross when there was no such religion on Acadia. Their conversation was interrupted by the entrance of GunblazeGriffin who killed a vampire outside the bar. And now, your Paladin…

**********

A creak of hinges was muffled by the closed bathroom door. A zipper unzipped and then a stream of water hitting stationary water could be heard. It stopped abruptly, then started up again. It stopped. Then started. Stopped……..started…..stopped.

I looked at Burnsy in amazement. “You know, if I tried that, my bladder would rebel against me. I just don’t have his muscular control!”

Burnsy shrugged. “You gotta admire his skill.”

“I’ll be right out!” came Gunblaze’s muffled voice. A squeaky hinge was put to work as he snapped his crotch plate shut. The wooden door creaked open an inch and I saw Gunblaze scout the area just outside the door. When he saw no one was standing near the doorway, he flung it open, hopped out, and quickly shut the door again. After nodding to himself and patting the door softly, he swaggered to the table, turned the chair backwards, and straddled it.

He leaned down to the table and looked at Burnsy. “Um, that room may need to be decommissioned.”

Burnsy rubbed his forehead. “If I have to buy another gallon of paint because your loads crack the tile,” he shot a menacing finger at Gunblaze, “yer gonna get it!”

Gunblaze jerked back and tried to act innocent. To avoid the issue he turned around
and raised a hand in the air. “Barkeep! Your best Vess soda!”

Jonesy, still finding some missed spots, was cleaning the same mug, looked at him with no emotion.

Gunblaze, his arm still raised, pivoted around to look at Burnsy. “I-is he okay? I mean, he isn’t dumb or anything?”

Burnsy leaned over to Gunblaze. “No, it’s just that not being able to invent soda has got him kinda pissy right now. And he doesn’t like to be reminded about his shortcomings.”

Gunblaze pivoted back towards Jonesy. “Barkeep! Belay that order! I’ll take your best home concoction!”

After he was satisfied that Jonesy understood his needs he turned back towards us. I was giving him a menacing look. He held up his hands.

“What?! I flushed this time!”

I squinted my eyes. “What in God’s green grass are you doing with a kid?”

Gunblaze’s face turned a bit red. “W..wal…y’know, she was there, it was dark, I was drunk. Heh, heh. It’s all a torrid, loose moral type of an affair. You kids don’t need…”

“You’ve had sex!!” I interrupted. “That’s….that’s just wrong. If anybody here should have kids…it’s him!” I pointed over at Burnsy who jumped back with a start.

“Who…..wimmen? Feh.” Burnsy cupped his hands around his mouth. “Jonesy! What do we say about wimmen?”

Jonesy flipped his towel over his shoulder. “Wimmen. Can’t live WITH ’em………………………………” Jonesy then picked up a glass to clean.

Burnsy looked at me. “See?”

Gunblaze struggled to get his helmet off. His hair was all matted down with sweat. Burnsy scrunched up his face.

“Boy, when is the last time you took a bath? You frickin’ DO NOT look like Aragorn with that wet hairdo bit.”

Setting his helmet on the empty chair next to him, Gunblaze ran his fingers through his hair. “What cycle is this?”

“Cycle of the Oak,” I replied.

“Then it would be about two months.”

“Jeezus! Whatever you do…do NOT take off that armor.” Burnsy cried.

“Well fer cryinoutloud! That’s why I don’t! You know how long it takes to get this whole thing off? Two hours! And just as long to put it back on! By that time, all of my mortal enemies would be on me like flies on shit,” Retorted Gunblaze.

“Mortal enemies?” questioned Burnsy. He furrowed his brows together and puckered up his bottom lip. “You some kinda sooperheeroe?”

Jonesy walked over and gave Gunblaze a brew.

“Thank you, my good man!” He looked up at Jonesy who towered over him. “I said….’thank you……my….GOOD…………….man.” He leaned over to Burnsy. “Does he hear very well?”

Burnsy cocked his head to the right. “Don’t you know bar etiquette? You need to grease his palms. Cabbage. The greens. Dinero.”

Gunblaze padded his armor with several thuds. “Oh, man, I can’t carry anything in this thing. Can I owe you one, Jonesy?”

With fluidity and ease, Jonesy took the ale away with him to the bar.

“Hey!” Gunblaze pointed after him. “Don’t you have credit here?”

Burnsy was flabbergasted. “Right. Not to types like you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Burnsy waved his hands around in a girlish manner. “Oh, I’m Mr. Superhero Goody Two Shoes I’ll Save the World Don’t Worry Miss Your Town Is Safe But I’ll Need To Bag You First kinda guy. Sure, you saved a town from destruction, but you took advantage of a poor misguided…”

“She came onto me!” retorted Gunblaze.

“…low class star struck girl…how old is she? Twelve?” I asked.

“Twelve CYCLES! In years, that would be…” Gunblaze rapped on the table with his fingers to count. He whispered numbers until…”Oh…eighteen. Um. Well…..she sure acts mature.”

“Yeah,” cried Burnsy laughing. “Back home, you woulda been shamed for stealing the cradle!”

All it took was one word. Home. And my mind travelled through time and space.

************
Earth – Chicago – several years ago

Chuck stepped halfway through the vortex Butress had created. “C’mon, bud. There’s nothing more you can do.”

I began to walk backwards towards the vortex. It was about to happen. Armageddon. Wasser, the Angel of Armageddon had taken The Sword up to Heaven and now brought with him his Host down to earth. I looked to the side as a mother with her young child ran down the sidewalk. Winds from the angels’ wings stirred up dust and trash. Frightened, no one to hold her, the child stumbled and cried out for her mother. The mother only could grab hold of her daughter as she looked frantically for safety as they huddled together. It would never come.

“I will remember.” I whispered. I looked skyward and saw angels still streaming out. “I will remember.”

I took another step backward. My body was halfway in the vortex. I could only see what was happening as my ears were past the plane. I couldn’t believe we were leaving. My eyes took in the silence. My eyes took in the Earth. I thought of trees and sunsets. The sun’s warm rays beating down on me. I now wished that I had said more to Ras. I thanked the woman who bonded with me just weeks prior. I wanted this to be a dream. I closed my eyes and the city lights faded. Their burning impressions on my retina now only weak embers. And as the first being of Light met the first being of Darkness, and Armageddon commenced, I took another step backward…

And left the Earth, forever.

***********

As my eyes focused their attention on the two yahoos in front of me, I took a little comfort that at least a little bit of home was still with me…

“I do NOT have sex with skankards. I only have the finest of cuisine!” contested Burnsy.

Gunblaze looked at him. “Yer a pig, no wonder the queen slaps you every time she sees you!”

…even though it was the mudroom part of home.

“You know,” I held up a finger at them, “you guys have been talking nothing but shit since you got here.” I looked at them and smiled. “It’s nice to know that some things don’t change.”

I held up a hand to Jonesy. “Jonesy! A round for my boys!”

Jonesy nodded and had three brews ready in less than five seconds. I gunned and winked him and said, “Put it on my tab.”

He nodded and went back to his post.

Gunblaze’s mouth opened then shut. Open, quivered, then shut. Opened….”H…hey.”

I leaned over to him. “You may be the savior of some farm town, hell even the midwestern front, but I am ‘The Enigma’.”

“‘Enema’ is more like it,” Burnsy raised his mug. “A toast.”

We all raised our mugs.

“To….the Llamas,” he said. We clanked them together.

“To home.” I said barely audible. But Gunblaze and Burnsy heard and nodded.

“To home,” Gunblaze reiterated quietly.

As we set our ales down, a scream peeled from outside the bar.

I looked at Burnsy. “That sounds like the same woman screaming when Gunnah came in. You have some sort of soundtrack out there.”

“Naw. I pay her to scream every hour or so. Attracts attention and brings people to the bar. But she’s not supposed to let loose for another fifteen minutes.”

In through the front door came a grey wolf. One of the largest I had ever seen. Its silent piercing gaze took in all the bar at once dictating who were friends and who were foes. Its stealth surprised even myself as it glided across to the middle of the floor. It never bared its teeth, but you instinctively knew that if one wrong move was made you could kiss your ass goodbye.

The front doors creaked open and in stepped a man dressed in all animal skins and flannel. He carried with him a large battleaxe that he slammed to the floor and rested his elbow on the handle. He scratched his beard and pointed at the three of us.

We all three tried to hold back the sweats but still the beads still came. We nervously looked at each other and then back at his finger.

With a voice not unlike a sonic boom, he thundered, “A bowl of water!” His finger pointed down to the wolf. “And a mug of ale for my friend here!”

-Next in a world near you…..Jupe!