Chapter 14 – Twins

Last time on Beyond the LAN: A game of “Magic” galore ensued as our heroes took some time off to game. They would leave in the morning for the Twins, of which one mountain controlled by elves, the other controlled by the creatures hired by the elves to destroy the dwarves. The realization that he would be leaving brought home the fact that engma would be leaving Grace perhaps for the very last time. And now, onward toward “Twins”.

**********

“I really do enjoy these little talks we have. Coffee?” Arz looked bleakly into his cup and took a sip. “Feh. Gah. I’d rather have tin foil scraped over my fillings than have a cup of this crap.” Arz peered over at Wasser who had two young Acadians feeding off each arm. The angel’s head hung loosely, matted hair almost brushing the ground.

“I mean, I find your knowledge of the political arena along with your intuition of lesbians and feminism just unparalleled in this universe.” Arz poured the liquid out of the cup, stood, and stretched. “Don’t tell anybody, partner,” he said pointing his head, “but I think we have the same brain.” He held up his hand. “Oh, I know, I know, you think I’m flattering you, but you could say that we’re twins, born of the same blood.” He leaned one arm against the rock wall. “Oh, sure….HE…HIM…THE GUY…did create us both so I mean, yeah, sure, we have the same, shall we say, parent…but let’s go BEYOND that.”

“Number one thing we have in common: we’re both trying to survive. I’m doing a little better in that category, but you’re hanging in there. Number two: we’re both trying to get home…for one reason or another. Number three: we both have followed someone with our blinders on and our brains turned off. And most importantly number four, we would have a party, a grand party, if those Horsemen were dead.”

Wasser’s head did not move. In fact, his body laid totally limp, only the chains and shackles kept him from falling to the ground. The two young vampires disengaged themselves from Wasser’s arm and looked up at their master.

“Go on and rest, children. I always need a nap after I eat. Let the angel’s blood nourish and strengthen you.” The two slipped out without a sound. Arz looked back at the angel.

“Hmph. Pathetic.”

*********

It had been a long time since I dreamt of home. I had the odd dreams of running through my old grade school with nothing but my underwear on trying to get a drink from the water fountain, but the dang stream was too weak. Then there was the one where I was driving in the mountains and drove the car off the cliff. As soon as we hit bottom, I jerked violently awake, grabbing onto Jupe’s belly hair. He seemed to like it. Thank God he never woke up.

It’s fascinating how our dreams come about. Some image you saw along the road, or a person you haven’t thought of in a very long time pops up in a conversation and then later in your dreams.

Today, we ran across a herd of Acadian deer. Needing food, Dirt decided he would get off his warhorse and run after them. We all stopped, whooped and hollered after him urging the large one on. From two hundred yards away, we could still hear him huffing and puffing, his animal skins streamed and flapped behind him. The deer went into a thick tree line and a few seconds later we heard Dirt yelp and a splash of water. We rode to the spot we thought he was and sure enough, right after the line of bushes and trees was a ledge with a lake below. The deer had made a sharp turn to the right and Dirt…Dirt did not.

Dirt was shaking his fist at the deer and the deer in return had their white tails up and waving at him. Several hands had to help Dirt up at of the water.

“Good lord, you smell like a wet dog!” scowled Butress.

Dirt towered over Butress. “Better than a dead magician.”

“Point taken. Good point, yes.” stammered Butress.

At the campfire that night, Dirt went around naked drying out his furs. A belching contest ensued. It was Gunblaze’s chunky vomit belches, my quick and powerful blasts, Burnsy’s foghorns, and Jupe’s belly belches.

At one point in the match, Burnsy stood up and shushed everyone quiet. He held one finger up and had a stone-cold look to his face. He slowly looked up at us and said…

“Here it is!” He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Mouth still open, he then squinted his eyes shut. He let loose a five-second-long gruesome belch that I believe started at his knees and then at the same time let out a wet snappy fart.

“Oh my god! A called double whammy!” yelled Jupe.

I about fell on the ground, and I was clutching my burning stomach I was laughing so hard.

Dirt’s fat rolls wobbled in the firelit night and Gunblaze just put his hands on his helmeted head.

“That, sissies, is a man’s way of cracking open somethin’ somethin’!” Burnsy said as he arm-danced back to his seat. Knowing I had met my match (only for the night!) I retired to my lean-to and blankets. I wiped away the tears from my eyes and sat staring off into the clear sky. As the voices of my comrades started to blur and fade, it was then that I finally saw Grace’s face again. I had only been gone a day, but it was nice seeing her again and I don’t think I’d have a need for Jupe’s belly hair for this dream.

**********

Earth – two weeks before the Armageddon

The sleek black car pulled up the beach to the old house crouching sedately on the hill. The old woman rocking on the porch craned her neck to look out at the car.

“I guess they were bound to show up eventually,” she muttered.

The car pulled to a stop in front of the porch, and two figures exited, a tall man and a slender blonde woman, both in sunglasses and business attire, and slowly began to approach the porch.

“It’s pretty warm out here!” called the old woman in pleasant tones. “You sure you need those suits on?”

The man began to ascend the stairs to the porch.

“Good afternoon, Ma’am.” said the man in neutral tones. He reached into a pocket and flipped out a badge. “I’m Agent Ghost and this is Agent Joscelyn. FBI.”

“Bullhockey.” spat the old woman. “You’re from BICIP.”

The two agents stiffened. The man coughed.

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear you say that ma’am, because there’d no possible way you could have known that name,” he said coolly.

The old woman rose. “Your boss isn’t telling you everything he should… or else he would have warned you that I’m not everything I seem to be.” She winked at the two agents. “Would you like some cookies? They should be almost done.”

The old woman hobbled into the house and the agents followed. Trading a wary glance at each other they followed her into the kitchen where she pulled a pan out of the oven.

“What should we call you, miss?….” began Agent Joscelyn.

“You can just call me Grandma,” said the old woman pleasantly.

The agents traded another glance.

“So what does the Bureau of Investigations into Divine and Infernal Phenomena want with a helpless old woman?” said Grandma with a grin as she transferred the cookies to a couple of plates.

Agent Ghost frowned again but ignored the comment, pulling out a pad of paper and a pen.

“Tell us…Grandma….what do you know of the L337 Llamas? ” He asked.

Grandma thought for a moment. “Weren’t they sighted in Arizona last week? The Weekly World News had pictures.”

Ghost stared at her non-plussed. “That sighting has been discounted,” he said straight-faced.

Grandma waved her hand. “You don’t have to worry about the Llamas. They’re of no consequence to you. Besides, they’re an issue now for BIVP to handle.”

“Who?” asked Agent Joscelyn.

Grandma smiled. “Look at you… you’ve got so many ‘top secret’ government agencies now that you can’t even keep track of them all. Besides, you’re not really after them…. you want the Angel.”

The agents froze again. Ghost sighed and put down his pad.

“Ma’am… you’re becoming dangerously close to being classified as too smart for your own good,” he said.

Grandma pushed past them with the plates into the living room.

“Your employer knows that…and should have also warned you not to mess with me, sonny,” she said darkly, turning to fix the agents with an icy stare.” So don’t bother trying to intimidate me…you wouldn’t get your gun out of its holster fast enough.”

She sat in a big comfy chair and began munching the cookies. “I don’t know where Wasser is now…and if I did know I wouldn’t tell you.” She leaned forward, serious for a moment, then spoke.

“Do you have any idea who and what it is you work for? Who it is that knows the comings and goings of every angel and devil on Earth? Who desperately wants to get his hands on an Angel of the Apocalypse? You ever thought of that? Do you realize what He will do to you when he gets his hands on you?”

Agent Ghost just stared at Grandma flatly. “We don’t work for God,” he said without a hint of emotion. “We work for the government.”

Grandma cackled at that as Agent Joscelyn came up to stand beside her.

“So if our employer knew you wouldn’t tell us anything… why did they send us here?” she asked.

Grandma shrugged. “Hell if I know. Just to bug me, probably. Maybe he wanted to warn you, give you a taste of what you might face.”

“Yeah, a know-it-all old woman who bakes cookies,” Ghost retorted. “We know more than you think we do, old woman. We know all about the Llamas and the angels and the Shroud of Turin and the Bermuda Triangle… and we will find Wasser.”

Grandma snickered. “Oh yeah? Do you know about the Ring?”

The agents raised a collective eyebrow.

“The Ring of Solomon? It’s been found, you know. Read your Bible.” offered Grandma. “Now you’d better go, my soaps are about to start. But be warned!” She pointed a finger suddenly at Ghost. “If you follow this course you will suffer, and your lovely friend here will not make it out alive!” Then she turned back to the TV.

Ghost stared at Grandma for a moment then shook his head. “Come on Joscelyn… we’re wasting our time.” With that he disappeared out the door, clomping down the stairs toward the car.

Agent Joscelyn looked after him, then went to follow, but first knelt beside Grandma.

“We just want to help the Angel,” she said softly. “We just want to know what it’s doing.”

Grandma looked at her.

“You’d better ask yourself what your boss wants with the Angel. As for yourself, you’d be best to stay out of Wasser’s way.” With that, Grandma turned her attention to the TV.

Agent Joscelyn looked at her for a moment, then rose and followed Ghost out the door.

Grandma sighed as she heard the car doors slam and the engine fade away.

“Here it starts,” she breathed.

***********

The Twins had loomed in the distance almost from the day we left Gr8’s. Even though we had been riding for several days they never seemed any closer, just always beyond our reach. I discovered that Grom and Dirt would not be making the trek into the mountain with us. I overheard their conversation with Chuck. All three of them seemed concerned with Gr8’s safety if we had to do a full retreat with the elven army behind us or even if we kicked some royal ass that the beings on the run may take their frustrations out on those in the valley. Either way, I was disappointed with their leaving but understood their reasons.

Once word got out that they would not be staying with us, Lil Skold started to play a ballad about them.

“Oh man!” moaned Butress. “Gunblaze! Why is he even here? He could get killed by a kobold!” He thought about this. “Hey…waitaminnit…”

“I’ll have you know that Skold is a trained mapmatician.”

“I don’t care if he’s trained to scrub toilets.” growled Jupe. “Just keep him out of the way. We’re liable to get killed protecting his rear end!”

Having not paid attention in the last half hour, I was surprised at seeing Chuck raise his right hand motioning us to stop. Looking higher up, I saw the Twins looming almost straight above us.

Chuck looked back at us. “Let’s get ready, boys. Here it starts.”

Yes, here it starts, indeed.

-Next, it’s into the dungeon for some real adventuring in…”Contact”!