Chapter 3 – Jupe

Last time on the epic known only as “Beyond the LAN”, we met the local boy turned hero, GunblazeGriffin the Paladin. As flagons of milk, ale, and stories flowed a large grey wolf and his grizzly flannel companion, entered the bar.

*********

All was silent in the bar. Music had stopped playing, waitresses had stopped serving, and drinks had stopped flowing. All inside were staring down the muzzle of a magnificent beast. And although the human male of the pair may have wanted to take credit for being the magnificent one, it was his companion, the large grey wolf who sat silently guarding his master who everybody nervously looked at.

A clanking was heard and I hesitantly looked over at the bar where Jonesy was preparing the order that the man in flannel had barked when he entered. Burnsy’s leather armor creaked and stretched as he leaned over to me.

“Good god, Grizzly Addams just stepped into my bar. What is Jupe doing here?” He slowly leaned back not making any sudden moves.

Jupe hefted his elbow off the handle of his large battle-axe and lumbered over to the table. He took off the main animal skin jacket. Underneath there was nothing but tight straps of leather and flannel straps that cris-crossed his chest and stomach.

Burnsy pointed down at his stomach. “You been eatin’ too many of those cream puffs I sent you haven’t you?” He started to laugh. “Nice pooch there, Tex.”

Jupe rubbed his stomach. “This is what happens when you have a life of leisure and sex, my friends. All the women come to me cuz you city boys haven’t got the right tools.”

“Yuck!” Gunblaze covered his ears.

Jupe scowled at his younger friend. “Right. Mr. Righteous Paladin Lawful Good Got Me a Twelve Year Old Wife.” Jupe sat down. “You’ve got reason to complain.”

Gunblaze looked up at him. “Hey! She’s….damn how old IS she? Eighteen! That. Is. Old.”

Jupe snorted. “Yeah, right, if she were any younger……excuse me…” Jupe turned around to all the people in the bar who were still staring at him and his companion. He slammed his fist into the table. “DRINK!!”

Everybody immediately went to their mugs and slammed their drinks down their throats.

Burnsy pointed a finger at him. “You ever think of working at a bar…you let me know.”

Jupe turned around with a huff. “Damn people starin’.” He turned back to the patrons. “Damn people starin’!!” He pivoted again. “Where’s the music in here?”

Burnsy rolled his eyes. “Oh, scuse me, let me, um, turn the jukebox on! Considering that we’re a gigabillion years in the past with no electricity, I’ll get that right away for you, sir!” Burnsy got up and turned so his rear end was facing Jupe. “And at what angle shall I bend over…SIR!”

I noticed two of the Queen’s guard had entered the establishment.

“What’s your problem?” growled Jupe. “Is it so much to ask to have dancing girls here?”

Under my breath I spoke in Acadian. “Let’s cut the English, gentlemen, we appear to have company.”

The other three did what you’re not supposed to do when looking inconspicuous. They stared. I tried to warn them, cleared my throat, but the soldiers noticed them staring.

“Oh, man.” I put my hand on my forehead.

I saw Burnsy make a motion with his hand to Jonesy who nodded and walked to the front door. By the time they reached our table, Jupe had purposefully turned his back to them, drink in one hand and one of the cross necklaces that I had lying on the table in the other.

“What’s this?” he asked me.

Without lifting my hand from my forehead I said, “Some of the new…creatures are now wearing them.”

Jupe frowned and puckered his lips a bit. “How come you’re not affected by them?”

I opened a space between fingers to look at him. “There’s no faith behind them. For now, it’s only a symbol.” With my limited view I could see the soldiers standing motionless behind Jupe. He paid them no heed.

One of them cleared his throat. “Sir, would this happen to be…YOUR animal that is laying on the floor?”

Jupe took a swig from his mug and stared over at Burnsy. “You’ve made a mistake, officer.”

The other one spoke. “It isn’t yours?”

Jupe’s eyes slid over to Gunblaze. “Well, now you’ve made two mistakes. One…IT is a she. Two…she is not an animal.”

Gunblaze rapped his gloved fingers on the table. “Oh ho hiiiyooo.” he said quietly.

The first soldier spoke again. “So this is your…wolf? Queen’s ordinance states that no…animal…shall be in a public building.”

Burnsy pointed a finger at Jupe. “I’m afraid that means YOU no longer can go into a public building.”

Jupe sneered at Burnsy
.
“I’m afraid you have to leave it outside.”

“Gunnah…how many strikes do you get in baseball?” asked Jupe.

Gunblaze started counting on his fingers. “Um, three!”

Still not looking up at the soldiers Jupe said, “Boys, that’s the third mistake you’ve made towards me.”

Burnsy looked over at Jonesy who nodded back at him. The barman held up his fist with no fingers extended.

“You know what I hate?” queried Burnsy. He smacked his lips together. “E-yep. It’s the man. The man! He keeps you down with all these rules and watching over you. You’ve got to beat the man!” Burnsy stared at Jupe. “Beat him!”

Without looking, Jupe with lightning speed reached back behind him and grabbed one of the soldiers. He wedged his hands into the abdominal fold of the armor. Straining ever so slightly, before the soldier could react, Jupe lifted the soldier over his head and flipped him over smashing him on the table.

The other soldier still trying to get his sword out of his scabbard met up with Burnsy’s short sword. With the sword to the soldier’s neck, Burnsy leaned into his ear. “I….wouldn’t do that if I were you. He may not look it, but my friend has been known to eat the balls off men when he’s angry.” Burnsy looked into the soldier’s eyes. “And, brother, that boy is pissed off!”

Gunblaze took one of his meshed gloves off and started slapping it on his gloved hand. “What shall we do with him, boss?” Little did I know the question was for me until no one else answered.

Still peering through my fingers I looked at the shakened soldier. “Let him go. He’s just a kid.”

I could tell I let the air out of their party balloons. I finally took my hand from my forehead and waved it around. “The last thing we need is the Queen’s guards coming down in droves because y’all want to play ‘whose dick is bigger than mine’.”

Jupe looked at me. “Obviously, everyone but me would need a handicap in that game.”

Burnsy squinted at Jupe. “Yeh, whatever, Grizzly. I agree to let him go with a message. And that message will be…” Burnsy swung his arm to Jonesy. “…Jonesy! Which towel did the queen bathe with tonight?”

Jonesy reached over a couple of tables and grabbed the pint-sized man who had gathered information before. He squeaked something to Jonesy.

“Her royal blue one.” yelled back Jonesy.

Burnsy scribbled something down on a piece of parchment. “You tell Queen Astrid that she looked absolutely stunning tonight drying off in her royal blue towel and that if she needs someone to suck the water out of her bellybutton she knows who to call on.” Burnsy stuffed the piece of paper down the soldier’s helmet.

The soldier stood not moving. His armor started to rattle.

Jupe shot out a finger. “GO!” And he was gone.

We all turned to the soldier lying on the floor amongst the splintered table.

“I supposed you ARE going to pay for that?” Burnsy asked Jupe.

Jupe paid him no heed as he was looking at his four-legged companion.

“And where were you during all of this?” Jupe’s outstretched arms were met with a ‘don’t bother me with such simpletons’ look. Jupe slumped down in his seat. “Fine backup you are.”

Jonesy had placed another table next to our destroyed one and brought everyone but Gunblaze another drink. Jonesy hefted the dazed soldier over his shoulders and walked outside with him.

“How do you get a drink from him?” Gunblaze whispered to me.

“Say something nice about his eyes.” I told him. I, of course, knew this would not get him a drink but the consequences were worth watching for.

Just then the hairs on the back of my neck started to rise and the air around me crackled with electricity.

A piercing scream rang out just beyond the doors of the bar.

Burnsy looked at his timepiece. “That wench! She’s two minutes late!”

A blinding light strobed in the middle of the bar and shot its rays forward. They then expanded and opened up a portal of shimmering reflective air. Through the plane of shimmering air stepped two figures whose backs were to me. In an instant, though, I knew I could put away my weapons and be at ease, for the last of our two friends had finally arrived.

Turning around, I recognized Butress’ concoctions and bags of tricks that he carried with him. What was absent were the whirrings and gears that usually accompanied his movement. Looking down at his hands, I noticed that both were normal. Nowhere in sight was the machine, but a full-bodied man! His companion, known as HelterSkelter had a bow slung over his shoulder with a quarrel of arrows on his shoulder. Both looked tired and worn.

Butress looked at us for a moment, stretched out his arm and clenched his human hand. “Does ANYONE on this fuckin’ planet have a cigarette!?”

-Next, the last of the llamas

• This topic was modified 4 months ago by engma.